An entirely unofficial guide to the behaviour that tests the patience of otherwise perfectly reasonable people.
There are certain rules in life that shouldn’t need explaining.
Don’t stand in doorways. Don’t eat the last biscuit and put the empty packet back. And if you’re going to have a lengthy conversation in a supermarket, perhaps don’t conduct it with two trolleys parked sideways across the entire aisle.
Simple, really.
Yet every day, somewhere in Scotland, a perfectly respectable person is being driven to the brink by someone doing precisely one of these things.
Let’s examine the evidence.
1. The Supermarket Reunion
You’ve popped into the supermarket for milk.
That’s it. Milk.
Unfortunately, halfway down the dairy aisle, Margaret has encountered Jean, whom she hasn’t seen since last Thursday.
Naturally, this requires a full account of Jean’s recent holiday, Margaret’s neighbour’s hip replacement and a detailed discussion about the price of mince.
Their trolleys have formed a barricade.
You approach politely.
“Excuse me.”
Nothing.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze past?”
Margaret moves approximately three millimetres.
You’ve now been in the supermarket for forty minutes and are considering keeping a cow instead.
2. The Empty Toilet Roll Mystery
A fascinating domestic phenomenon.
Someone uses the last of the toilet paper.
They remove the empty cardboard tube.
They place a fresh toilet roll directly beside the holder.
And then they leave.
Apparently, inserting the new roll onto the holder requires specialist engineering qualifications.
One can only assume the family is waiting for a qualified tradesperson.
3. The Self-Service Checkout Accusation
“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA.”
It’s a banana.
You scanned it.
The machine watched you scan it.
You placed it exactly where instructed.
Nevertheless, the machine has decided you’re involved in organised crime.
A red light flashes. The checkout locks. A member of staff approaches with the weary expression of someone who’s already mediated seventeen disputes between humans and groceries today.
You stand there holding your innocent banana.
Justice, eventually, prevails.
4. The Telephone Call That Could Have Been a Text
Your phone rings.
You answer, assuming something important has happened.
“Hiya, it’s me.”
“Hello.”
“Just phoning to see what you’re doing.”
“Nothing much.”
“Aye, same here.”
Forty-seven minutes later, you’ve discussed the weather, someone’s new curtains and a woman neither of you particularly likes.
You hang up.
You still don’t know why they phoned.
5. The Great Pavement Formation
Four people walking side by side.
Slowly.
Very slowly.
They occupy the entire pavement with the confidence of a royal procession.
You approach from the opposite direction.
Nobody moves.
You eventually step into a hedge.
They continue discussing what Sandra said at bingo.
Sandra, incidentally, sounds like trouble.
6. The Mysterious Disappearance of Household Objects
Scissors. Sellotape. Phone chargers. Pens.
Every household owns approximately seventeen pairs of scissors, yet when you actually need one, they have all vanished.
Nobody has seen them.
Nobody has touched them.
Nobody knows anything.
Three weeks later, you discover a pair in the bathroom beside a screwdriver, two batteries and a Christmas decoration.
You decide not to ask.
The Parlour’s Completely Unscientific Verdict
Human beings are remarkable creatures.
We’ve built skyscrapers, explored space and invented artificial intelligence.
Yet somehow, we remain incapable of replacing a toilet roll or walking through a supermarket without causing a minor traffic incident.
Perhaps that’s what makes life entertaining.
Or perhaps we all need a holiday.
Preferably somewhere quiet.
With no self-service checkouts.
Over to You
Now it’s your turn.
What’s the one tiny thing that irritates you far more than it reasonably should?
Is it people who don’t indicate? Someone leaving a teaspoon in the sugar bowl? Or the mysterious individual who keeps turning the heating up and denying all knowledge?
Share your favourite mild irritation in the Parlour.
Keep it funny, keep it friendly, and remember — we’re laughing at life’s absurdities, not having a genuine falling-out.
The Scunnered Lady would like to confirm that she is perfectly calm. The twitch in her left eye is entirely unrelated.